UNICORNER FARM

Miniature Horses and Tunis Sheep

Fun with Minis

COMEDY CORRAL

Cute, "horsey" stuff rounded up on the Internet.


National Institute of Health Bacteria WARNING!

Horse Hair: Potentially Dangerous!!

In a press release today, the National Institute of Health has announced the discovery of a potentially dangerous substance in the hair of horses.
This substance, called "amo-bacter equuii" has been linked with the following symptoms in female humans:

  • Reluctance to cook
  • Reluctance to perform housework Reluctance to wear anything but boots
  • Reluctance to work except in support of a horse
  • Physical craving for contact with horses (may be an addiction)

Beware: If you come in contact with a female human affected by this substance, be prepared to talk about horses for hours on end.
This has been a public service announcement.


Letter to My Horses

Dear Horses:

When I say "whoa" it means stop whatever you are doing and STAND STILL. I notice you have no trouble whatsoever doing this when you are having a particularly vivid daydream or are trying to figure out where the sound of a snack wrapper is coming from. So would it kill you to cease all forward, sideways, upward and/or backward movement for a few moments when I ask? Be a sport.

And speaking of snacks, I am not a magician. There is NOT a candy factory in each of my sleeves and a carrot farm in each of my pockets. When they're gone, they're gone, and no amount of chewing on my clothes, hands and hair will generate more. Neither will pawing to China. But I hope you still like me, anyway.

The gate is easy for us both to go through, if we go through in the following order: Me. The lead rope. Your head, then your neck, then your shoulders, torso, butt and tail. Going through it is much harder if you do it in the following, incorrect order: your right side. Your left side. Pivoting, your head. The lead rope. Me. You again. Me again.

You DO know how the poopie got on your food. Quit looking at me like that.

Please understand that when I grab your mouth and yank it open and invite a person with a file to grind your teeth down...when I douse you with a hose or run a strange, buzzing machine all over your body that makes your fur itchy and short just when you wanted it long and soft...when I put a stupid mesh hat on you and spray you with chemicals...this means "I love you".


A Letter from Your Horse

A Letter From your horse (the original version):

  • When you are tense, let me teach you to relax.
  • When you are short tempered, let me teach you to be patient.
  • When you are short sighted, let me teach you to see.
  • When you are quick to react, let me teach you to be thoughtful.
  • When you are angry, let me teach you to be serene.
  • When you feel superior, let me teach you to be respectful.
  • When you are self-absorbed let me teach you to think of greater things.
  • When you are arrogant, let me teach you humility.
  • When you are lonely, let me be your companion.
  • When you are tired, let me carry the load.
  • When you need to learn, let me teach you.
  • After all, I am your horse.

And now, the REAL story......

  • When you are tense, let me teach you that there are lions in them thar woods, and we need to leave NOW!
  • When you are short tempered, let me teach you how to slog around the pasture for an hour before you can catch me.
  • When you are short sighted, let me teach you to figure out where, exactly, in the 40 acres I am hiding.
  • When you are quick to react, let me teach you that herbivores kick MUCH faster (and harder) than omnivores.
  • When you are angry, let me teach you how well I can stand on my hind feet, because I don't feel like cantering on my right lead today.
  • When you are worried, let me entertain you with my mystery lameness.
  • When you feel superior, let me teach you that, mostly, you are the maid service.
  • When you are self-absorbed, let me teach you to PAY ATTENTION. Remember? I told you about those lions in them thar woods?
  • When you are arrogant, let me teach you what 1200 lbs. of "YAHOO LETS GO!" can do when suitably inspired.
  • When you are lonely, let me be your companion. Let's do lunch. Also, breakfast and dinner.
  • When you are tired, don't forget the 600 lbs. of grain that needs to be unloaded.
  • When you are feeling financially secure, let me teach you the meaning of "Veterinary Services"
  • When you need to learn, hang around, bud. I'll learn ya.

    Sincerely,
    Your Horse

Chain Letter

Are you experiencing too many 2nd places to inferior animals in the show ring?
Well, this simple chain letter is meant to bring relief and happiness to you. Unlike most chain letters, it doesn't cost money.
Simply send a copy to six other Mini owners who are dissatisfied with the way their horses are showing. Also bundle up your Miniature Horse and send him/her to the Mini owner at the top of this list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.
Do not use a return address or the post office may try to contact you. In one week, you will receive 16,436 Miniatures, and one of them should be a real dandy.
Have faith in this letter. Do not break the chain. One owner broke the chain and got her own horse back.


FOALING MARE'S SECRET CODE

The mare's secret code of honor is as old as horses themselves and is ultimately the species best kept secret.  No mare shall ever produce a foal before it's time.(It's time being determined by the following factors):
  1. No foal shall be born until total chaos has been reached by all involved. Your house must be a wreck, your family hungry and desperate for clean clothes, and your social life nonexistent.
  2. Midwives must reach the babbling fool status before you foal out. Bloodshot eyes, tangled hair and the inability to form a sentence mean you're getting close.
  3. For every bell, beeper, camera or whistle they attach to you, foaling must be delayed by at least one day for each item.
  4. Vet check, add a day, internal add three. If you hear the words, "She's nowhere near ready. You'll be fine while I'm away for the weekend," Wait 12 to 16 hours and pop that baby out!
  5. Owner stress must be at an all time high! If you are in the care of someone else, ten to fifteen phone calls a day is a sign you're getting close. When you hear the words "I can't take it anymore!" wait three days and produce a foal.
  6. You must keep this waiting game interesting. False alarms are necessary! Little teasers such as looking at your stomach, pushing your food around in the bucket and then walking away from it are always good for a rise. Be creative and find new things to do to keep the adrenaline pumping in those who wait.
  7. The honor of all horses is now in your hands. Use this time to avenge all of your stable mates. Think about your friend who had to wear that silly costume in front of those people. Hang onto that baby for another day. OH, they made him do tricks too! Three more days seems fair. Late feedings, the dreaded diet, bad haircuts, those awful wormings can also be avenged at this time.
  8. If you have fulfilled all of the above and are still not sure when to have this foal, listen to the weather forecast on the radio that has been so generously provided by those who wait. Severe storm warning is what you're waiting for. In the heart of the storm jump into action! The power could go out and you could have the last laugh. You have a good chance of those who wait missing the whole thing while searching for a flashlight that works!
  9. Make the most of your interrupted nights. Beg for food each time someone comes into the stable to check you. Your stable mates will love you as the extra goodies fall their way too.
  10. Remember, this code of honor was designed to remind man of how truly special horses are. Do your best to reward those who wait with a beautiful filly to carry on the mare code of honor for the next generation of those who wait!

Horseman's Dictionary

barn sour - An affliction common to horse people in northern climates during the winter months. Trudging through deep snow, pushing wheelbarrows through snow and beating out frozen water buckets tend to bring on this condition rapidly.

big name trainer - cult leader; horse owners follow them blindly, will gladly sell their homes, spend their children's college funds and their IRA's to support them, as they have a link to "The Most High Ones" (judges).

bog spavin - The feeling of panic when riding through a marshy area. Also used to refer to horses who throw a fit at having to go through water puddles.

colic - The gastrointestinal result of eating at the food stands at horse shows

colt - What your mare always gives you when you want a filly.

contracted foot - The involuntary, instant reflex of curling one's toes up, right before a horse steps on your foot.

drench - Term used to describe the condition an owner is in after he administers mineral oil or a bath to his horse.

endurance ride - The end result when your horse spooks and runs away with you in the woods.

equitation - The ability to keep a smile on your face and proper posture while your horse tries to crow hop, shy, and buck his way around a show ring.

feed - Expensive substance used in the manufacture of large quantities of manure.

fences - Decorative perimeter structures built to give your horse something to chew on, scratch against, and jump over (see inbreeding).

filly - What your mare always gives you when you want a colt.

flea-bitten - a condition of the lower extremities in horse owners who also own dogs and cats.

flies - The excuse of choice a horse uses so he can kick you, buck you off or knock you over without being punished.

founder - 1. the discovery of your loose mare, some miles from your farm, usually in a flower bed or a cornfield. As in the phrase, "Hey, honey, I found 'er." 2. a condition that happens to most people after Thanksgiving dinner.

frog - Small amphibious animal that emits a high-pitched squeal when stepped on.

gallop - The customary gait a horse chooses when returning to the barn.

gates - Wooden or metal structures built to amuse horses.

girth sores - Painful swelling and abrasion made at the point of midsection by fashionable large western belt buckles.

green broke - The color of the face of the person who has just gotten the training bill from the "Big Name Trainer."

grooming - The fine art of brushing the dirt from one's horse and applying it to your own body.

grooms - Heavy, stationary objects used at horse shows to hold down lawn chairs and show bills.

hay - A green, itchy material that collects between the layers of clothing, especially in unmentionable places.

head shy - A reluctance to use the public restrooms at a horse show. Always applies to pit toilets.

head tosser - A blonde-haired woman who wears fashion boots while working in the barn.

heaves - The act of unloading a truck full of hay.

hobbles - Describes the walking gait of a horse owner after his/her foot has been stepped on by his/her horse.

hock - The financial condition that a horse owner goes into.

hoof pick - Useful, curved metal tool utilized to remove hardened dog doo from the treads of your tennis shoe.


Glossary of More Horse Terms

Hock: Financial condition of all horse owners.
Stall: What your rig does at rush hour in an unfamiliar city on the way to a big trail ride.
A Bit: What you have left in your pocket after you've been to your favorite tack shop.
Fence: Decorative structure built to provide your horse with something to chew on.
Horse Auction: What you think of having after your horse bucks you off.
Pinto: Green coat pattern found on freshly washed light colored horses left unattended for 2 minutes.
Well Mannered: Hasn't stepped on, bitten, or kicked anyone for a week.
Rasp: Abrasive metal tool used to remove excess skin from ones knuckles.
Lunging: Popular training method in which a horse exercises their owner by spinning them in circles until dizzy.
Gallop: Customary gait a horse chooses when returning back to the barn.
Nicely Started: Lunges, but not enough health insurance to even think about riding him.
Colic: Gastro-intestinal result of eating at horse fair food stands.
Colt: What your mare gives you when you want a filly.
Easy to Load: Only takes 3 hours, 4 men, a 50lb bag of oats, and a tractor with loader.
Easy to Catch: In a 10x10 stall.
Easy Rider: Rides good in a trailer; not to be confused with "ride-able".
Endurance Ride: End result when your horse spooks and runs away with you.
Hives: What you get when receive the vet bill for your 6 horses, 3 dogs, 4 cats, and 1 donkey.
Hobbles: Walking gait of a horse owner after their foot has been stepped on by their horse.
Feed: Expensive substance used to manufacture manure.
Dog House: What you are in when you spend too much money on grooming supplies and pretty halters.
Light Cribber: We can't afford to build anymore fencing or box stalls for this buzz saw on four legs.
Three Gaited Horse: A horse that. 1) trips, 2) stumbles, 3) falls.


Horse Show Prayer

Dear Protector of Horses and Fools

When that intelligent, hardworking, honest judge finally sees what I see in this horse I've worked so hard and long with, help me to accept my win with grace and dignity. And, when that blind, clueless idiot -- I mean judge -- somehow fails to see what a fine job we've done, (well, at least better than the so-and-so he placed ahead of us!) help me to accept my defeat with some of that same grace and dignity.

Lord, you alone know how I've sweated blood over this horse, the hours I've spent getting her ready (and Lord, are any of them ever ready?) ;O) You (and probably only you!) understand why I've spent good money on this animal -- money I could've spent on lots of other things -- things that just might have afforded me a little more pleasure and a lot less frustration. Lord, tolerate my disappointment when I lose, and help me keep it all in perspective. Help me remember that when some horse show judge gives me the gate, it's not as if St. Peter just gave me that pearly one.

Lord, clear my eyes and help me see, before I open my big mouth, that the so-and-so with the cow-hocked, pony gaited dink walking out of the pen ahead of me is actually a fellow exhibitor who has also worked hard, maybe even sweated blood over his horse too, and probably deserves to enjoy this moment to its fullest while it lasts.

Lord, you know there are sometimes - - but not nearly as often as I tend to suppose when I lose -- such ugly things as Politics, Prejudice, and Unethical Practices, which may cause my horse to get beaten unfairly -- sometimes. Help me, then, to remember that several wrongs won't ever make a right, and that none of the wrongs gives me an excuse to act like an idiot.

You know I'm a competitor, Lord; I make no bones about that. I love to win and I hate to get beat. There are few things more abhorrent to me, Lord, than placing sixth out of six. If I didn't love to compete, I'd stay home and knit afghans. But then, there are probably afghan shows, and people who hire professional knitters with high-tech knitting machines, and most likely there are afghan show judges who raise sheep whose wool goes into some of the winningest afghans, and there I'd be -- still frustrated, still getting beat, and without a horse to share half the blame.

This year, Lord, help me to have a little more faith in my fellow horse folks, and for Heaven's sake, help me win, or lose, with a little class.

Amen.


Horse Owner's Prayer

Dearest Creator in Heaven,

Give me strength to guide my horse.

Let my hands soft and my head clear.

Let my horse understand me and I him.

My heart you have blessed with a special love for these animals.

I will never loose sight of it.

My soul you have gifted with a deep appreciation for them.

That will never lessen, only continue to grow.

Always let my heart lighten as the sun gently touches them.

Always may my soul smile at the sound of a gentle nicker.

Let the scent of fresh hay and a new bag of grain be sweet to me.

Let the touch of a warm nose on my hand always bring a smile.

I adore the joy of a warm day on the farm,

The grace and splendor of a running horse,

The thunder of it's hooves makes my eyes burn and my heart soar.

Let it always be so.

Dearest Creator grant me patience,

For horses are harnessed wind, and wind can be flighty.

Let me not frighten or harm them.

Instead show me natural ways to understand them.

Above all, dear Creator, fill my life with them.

When I pass from this world,

Send my soul to no heaven without them.

For this love you have given me graces my existence,

And I shall cherish it and praise You for it for all time.

Amen


 

Horse's Prayer #3

I'm only a horse, dear Master, but my heart is warm and true,

And I'm ready to work my hardest, for the pleasure of pleasing you.

Good corn and hay and water are all that I wish to ask,

And a warm dry bed to rest on when I've finished my daily task.

Don't strike me in needless anger if I'm slow to understand,

But encourage my drooping spirits with a gentle voice and hand.

Finally, O my master, when my health and strength are gone -

When I'm getting old and feeble and my long life's work is done -

Don't sell me to cruel owners to be slaved to my latest breath,

But grant me the untold blessing of a quick and painless death;

That, as you have always found me a patient and loyal friend,

The years of my faithful service may be crowned by a peaceful end.

I plead in the name of the Savior,

Who cares when the sparrows fall,

Who was born in a lowly stable and knows and loves us all!

 


GIFT HORSE

A friend gives you a horse....
You build a small shed....$750
You fence in a small paddock....$450
Purchase a used truck to haul hay...$7000
Purchase a 2-horse trailer.....$4500
Purchase a second horse...$2500
Build a larger shed with storage....$2000
More fencing.....$1200
Purchase a third horse...$3500
Purchase a new truck...$25,000
Purchase 10 acres next door...$50,000
More fencing.....$5000
Build a barn...$30,000
Purchase a camper for truck...$9000
Purchase tractor...$15,000
Purchase fourth horse...$5000
Purchase fifth horse...$7000
Purchase 20 more acres...$75,000
Build a house....$150,000
Build an arena.....$60,000
More fencing....$24,000
Purchase horse trailer with living quarters....$25,000
Purchase truck to haul said trailer....$30,000
Purchase fifth, sixth, seventh horses......$20,000
Purchase stallion......$30,000
Purchase 3 good broodmares.....$30,000
Hire full-time trainer.....$40,000
Build house for trainer......$85,000
Build breeding barn with lab.....$75,000
Hire Attorney....wife leaving you for trainer.....$10,000
Pay Attorney for divorce......$30,000
Divorce....wife gets $500,000
Sell everything.....declare bankruptcy.....$1000
Friend feels sorry for you....gives you a horse.......


If Horses Were In High School:

Quarter Horses: Definitely jocks. Strutting around flexing those muscles, showing off their butts. Not real bright. But get passed on since they are responsible for all the trophies in the glass cases.
Thoroughbreds: Preppies. They are athletes, never 'jocks'. Monogrammed blankets, leather halters, Nike eventer shoes, the latest custom trailer and tack.
Connemaras: Gorgeous chicks with sultry eyelashes, sexy curves, devil-may-care attitudes. NOT into studying or anything to do with geometry. Great fun to be around, delightful senses of humor, and the world's best pranksters. Can usually be found in the nearest pub, entertaining the masses. Fast and easy.
Appaloosas: Could only be the stoners. They like to drop acid so they can watch their spots move.
Arabians: RAH! RAH! SIS BOOM BAH! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TEAM!! (need I say more?)
Shetland Ponies: Frightening, spiky hairdos, snotty attitude and any color of the rainbow. Gotta be PUNKS. Some even sport tattoos.
Friesians: Big, buff, and always in black, they are the biker clique. Cigs hanging out of the corner of their mouths, dangerous glint in the eyes, daring anyone to cross their path.
Morgans: They're the nerdy teacher's pets, running around doing everything from yearbook to decorating the gym and ratting out the bikers, stoners and jocks. They have perpetual wedgies.
Drafts (all breeds): No real clique, they're just the big guys who sit in the back of the room and fart a lot (and then laugh). Who's going to STOP them?
Icelandics and Paso Finos: They're the little squirrelly geeks who flit around a dance trying to fit in and fail miserably. The kind who wear Toughskins jeans from Sears (or would that be ripoff WeathaBeetas??).
Ahkle Tekl (Akle Takl? Ackle Tackle....!! Akhal Teke!!): Foreign exchange student(s). And no one can spell their names either.
Hackney Ponies: A breed this manic would have to be a band geek. Marching along with their knees and heads held high.....even going to the bathroom.
Warmbloods: The school staff and faculty. Looking down their noses with righteous indignation and disgust. Secretly wishing they were having half as much fun.


Horse-Aholics Anonymous

Hello,

I AM a horse-aholic. I would like to welcome you to this month's online meeting of Horse-Aholics Anonymous. You may be sitting there thinking that you are OK, and don't really need any help.

It is not easy to realize that you are a horse-aholic, and even harder to bring yourself to an HA meeting for help. HA is here to assist you. I have some questions to ask to try to determine if you can be helped.

  1. Can you say 'sheath' in public without blushing?

  2. Do you know exactly what 'snaffle' means? (No, it is not a drink!)

  3. Do you drive a truck with some type of towing package and/or dual rear wheel when everyone else you know drives a real car?

  4. Do you have more than one type of trailer because you own horses?

  5. Do you spend your holidays going to shows, sales, clinics, and seminars when everyone else goes on cruises?

  6. Do you discuss things at the dinner table that would make a doctor leave in disgust?

  7. Do you consider formal wear clean jeans and freshly scraped boots?

  8. Does the inside of your home look like your interior decorator is 'State Line Tack'?

  9. Do you often have barn boots on your front porch?

  10. Is your mail made up primarily of breed magazines and horse catalogs?

  11. Do your shirt pockets often contain bits of feed, hay, and empty syringe covers?

  12. Do you worry about paying your monthly feed bill before you think of paying your electric bill?

  13. When you meet a person, do you ask how many horses they have, and pity them if the answer is none?

  14. Do you remember the name of a great-great-great grandsire when you can't remember your own Great grandfather's name?

  15. Is your primary dream in life to breed the perfect foal?

  16. Do you find non-horse people boring?

  17. Is 99% of your e-mail about horses?

  18. Do you have a collection of bits even larger than your collection of horses?

  19. Does you halter collection include more than four foal halters, all the same size?

  20. Do you know more than five people this list fits exactly?

If you answered YES to three of these questions, you are in pretty good shape. You will lead a long, dull life, and never call your mother and tell her "I'm in the hospital, but everything is fine! The horse is ok."

If you answered YES to 10, you are in serious trouble. Give in gracefully, and become a member of Horse-Aholics Anonymous now...

You will qualify eventually anyway.

If you answered YES to 15 or more, you are incurable.

My advice to those who, like me, are incurable is as follows.....

Sit back, smile, read your email, and know that your life will always be filled with good friends and better horses, and it will never be boring!!


How do you...

... induce labor in a mare? Take a nap.
... cure equine constipation? Load them in a clean trailer.
... cure equine insomnia? Take them in a halter class.
... get a horse to stay very calm and laid back? Enter them in a liberty class.
... get a horse to wash their own feet? Clean the water trough and fill it with fresh water.
... get a mare to come in heat? Take her to a show.
... get a mare in foal the first cover? Let the wrong stallion get out of his stall.
... make sure that a mare has that beautiful, perfectly marked foal you always wanted? Sell her before she foals.
... get a show horse to set up perfect and really stretch? Get him out late at night or anytime no one is a round to see him.
... induce a cold snap in the weather? Clip a horse.
... make it rain? Mow a field of hay.
... make a small fortune in the horse business? Start with a large one.


Computer Program Horse 1.0

Recently I purchased and installed Horse 1.0. I soon noticed that this program has appears to have many glitches. For instance, every time my computer boots up, I have to run Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1. Many times I've been in the middle of an important document and a window will flash telling me to run Clean Stall 2.0. This program also contained applications I did not wish to install, such as Manure 8.5, however they auto-installed with Horse 1.0. Applications such as Vacation 2.7 and Free Time 10.0 can no longer run, crashing whenever selected. Possibly the worst is that Horse 1.0 has attached itself to programs like Finance Manager and MS Money, with folders added such as "Monthly Shoeing" and "Winter Blanket". Periodically, I'll get a reminder telling me to send a check to the manufacturer of Horse 1.0 for the aforementioned items. I have tried to uninstall Horse 1.0 numerous times, but when I try to run the uninstall program, I get a warning messages telling me that a deadly virus known as "Withdrawal" will infect my system. Please Help!!!

THE REPLY:
Dear User, Your complaint is not unusual. A common misconception among users is that Horse 1.0 is a mere "utilities and entertainment program" It is NOT--it is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its' creator to run everything! A warning will soon be imprinted on the box. Since you have already installed Horse 1.0 here are a few tips on how to make it run better. If you are annoyed by the applications Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1, you may run C:/HIRE HELP, however this will cause another folder to be added to financial applications labeled "Staff". Failure to send payment to "Staff" will result in Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1 being run again on startup. A note of caution: NOT booting up your computer for several days isn't the answer to avoid Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1. You will find that when you boot your computer again a nasty virus called "Colic 4.2" will have attached itself to important documents and the only way to rid computer of Colic 4.2 is by purchasing and installing "Vet 10.0" which we admit is extremely expensive, but crucial! Otherwise, Colic 4.2 will cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Finally, it is important that you run C:/Carrots and C:/Scratch Ears on a fairly regular basis to keep the application running smoothly. If you have any more questions, please call our toll free number.
Sincerely, Tech Support


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