UNICORNER FARM

Miniature Horses and Tunis Sheep

Fun with Minis

JOKES FOR HORSE LOVERS

Cute, "horsey" stuff rounded up on the Internet.


Cowboy Jokes

A tough old cowboy told his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103. When he died, he left 14 children, 30 grand-children, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great grandchildren, and a 15 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.


A man was driving through Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting by the road in total silence.

He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent.

As he peered by the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised.

Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump."

The man jumped up quickly striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded.

There were two horses standing in the field alongside and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump, tap it with your flashlight, and try it again."

Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared into life.

He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.

When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar.

"Large whiskey, please!" he said.

A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked,

"What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost!"

"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.

The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"

The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes it was! Am I crazy?"

"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're very lucky," said the rancher "because the black horse don't know nothing about cars!"


A kid walked up to a guy wearing a 10-gallon hat, leather vest, leather chaps, and sneakers. The kid asked him, "Mr. Cowboy, why do you wear that big hat?"
The cowboy replied, "Well, son, the big hat protects me from hot sun and driving rain, and at night I put it over my face when I sleep on the range, so it protects me then, too."
"Why do you wear that leather vest?"
"It also helps to keep the weather off me, and it has pockets where I can keep my valuables."
"Well, why do you wear leather chaps?"
"They protect my legs when I'm driving my horse through mesquite and cactus."
"Well, Mr. Cowboy," the kid finally asked, "Why do you wear sneakers?"
"That's so somebody won't think I'm a damn truck driver."


A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton came on the TV. After a few sips he looked up at the screen and mumbled, "Now there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."
Immediately, a customer at the end of the bar got up, walked over, decked him, and left.
A few minutes later, the man was finishing his beer when Hillary Clinton appeared on the TV. "She's a horse's ass too," he said.
A customer from the other end of the bar got up, walked over, and knocked him off his stool.
"Damnit!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Clinton country!"
"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"


The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.
"Howdy, stranger..."
"Howdy, Sheriff..."
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, and stepped up on the walk and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on there, Mister..."
"Sheriff?"
"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..."
"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked."
Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em.


The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do... Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver for a little while and see if you can create enough of a breeze to give him a little relief!"
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his beer.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks,
"Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says...
"Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'."


A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees an Indian sitting on his porch. He figures he'll have a little fun...
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?" Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?" Dog: "Doin' alright." Indian: extreme look of shock
Cowboy: " Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at Indian. Dog: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Indian: look of disbelief.
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool." Indian: extreme look of shock
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? " pointing at Indian. Horse: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Indian: total look of amazement
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep Lie."

 


An old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.

From morning till night (and sometimes later) she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his mule. He plowed a lot.

One day while plowing, His wife bought him lunch in the field.

He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump and began to eat his lunch. Immediately his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag, it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her square in the head and killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral, the minister noticed something odd. When a woman would approach the grieving farmer, he would listen awhile and start nodding his head. When a man would approach, he would listen and shake his head in disagreement.

This happened so consistently, the minister decided to ask the farmer about it.

The old farmer said " Well the women would come up and say something nice about how nice his poor wife looked in her new dress and all. I would agree and thank them. All the men wanted to know was if the mule was for sale."


On the first day of creation, God created the Horse.

On the second day, God created Man to serve the Horse.

On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to spook the Horse when Man was upon his back.

On the fourth day, God created an honest day's work so that man could labor to pay for the keeping of the Horse.

On the fifth day, God created the grasses in the field so that Horse could eat and man could toil and cleanup after the Horse.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the Horse healthy and Man broke.

On the seventh day, God rested and said "This is good. This will teach Man humility, it will tire him out and keep him striving ever forward to meet the needs of the Horse."


An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down.  An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.  The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing," shrugged the woman, "I merely sat behind him on the horse, arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback..."


Father asked little Johnny what he'd like for his birthday. Johnny promptly replied he'd like a baby sister. His birthday came and Johnny got his baby sister.

The next year Father asked him again what he'd like for his upcoming birthday. "Dad", said Johnny. "I'd like a pony -- if it's not too hard on mom."


Two show stallions are arguing over who should take best of breed. The first says, "I'll grant you are the closest I have ever seen to my equal, but my legs are just a bit straighter than yours, and, you know, the legs are of prime importance: no foot, no horse!"
The second horse says, "I'll allow your legs are just a bit better than mine, but mine are the legs I was born with and I know for a fact you had thousands of dollars of corrective work. Your foals will inherit your natural legs, not your genius farrier!"
The first horse mulls this for a moment, then says, "You're right. I stand corrected..."


A horse showed up at a ballpark. He headed for the manager and said much to the manager's surprise, "I'd like to try out for the team."
The manager eventually recovered from hearing a horse talk and said, "Really? Let me see you catch a few."
The horse walked to 3rd base and caught every ball hit to him. The manager asked him to throw. The horse whisked the ball toward the first baseman with amazing accuracy and speed. Picking up a a heavy bat a few minutes later, the horse proceeded to hit ball after ball over the centerfield fence.
The manager said, "Not bad at all. Now let me see your run."
The horse said, "If I could run, I'd be in the Kentucky Derby!"


A man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself. Suddenly his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him over the head with a frying pan.
The man jumps up and says "What was that for?!" His wife replies "I found a piece of paper in your pant's pocket with the name Marylou written on it?!" "
"Oh honey," said the man. "Don't you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
His wife seemed satisfied and headed out to do some work around the house, feeling a bit better about things. Three days later the man was again sitting in his chair minding his own business and once again his wife came up behind him and hit him over the head with a frying pan.
The man jumped up and shouted "What's that for this time?"
His wife replied "Your horse called!"


A priest wanted to raise money for his church. When told that there was a fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase a racehorse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might just as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS...

The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT...

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS...

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey. The priest decided to give the donkey to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN...

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun she couldn't keep the donkey. She sold the donkey to a farmer for $10. Next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10...

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper reads: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE...

The Bishop was buried the next day.


How many Horses does it take to Change a Light Bulb?
Warmblood: Light bulb? What light bulb?
Any foal: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid light bulb?
Shetland pony: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Thoroughbred: Just one. And I'll rewire the barn while I'm at it.
Saddlebred: Sorry. Just had my hooves and mane done.
Morgan: Oh, me me me!!! Pleeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I?
Quarter Horse: Let him do it. You can pet me while he's busy.
Trakehener: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Akhal-Teke: Zero! AT's aren't afraid of the dark!
Holsteiner: How DARE that light bulb burn out! How DARE you ask me to change it! OH! (flouncing off)
Appaloosa: No, don't change it. If it's dark, maybe no one will see me raiding the feed room.
Arab: That's what we pay the help for. I'll just chew on his shirttail while he's at it.
Connemara: We'll just be after havin' a nip of the Bushmill's, we will, and then we'll not be noticin' th' light.
Andalusian: Let the maid do it. I need to go roll in the mud.
Clydesdale: Och, an' ye'll just be usin' up the 'lectricity, ye will. Better tae use a wee but o' candle. Better yet t' not waste either and just gae t' sleep when the sun gaes doon. Electricity is verra dear.
NSH:(fidgeting) Lights? Lights? Where? Do you want me to pose" This is my good side … No, wait, let me get my mane straight … No, wait, this angle is all wrong. No, wait, maybe this is my good side. So ... do you want dramatic … or bold … or maybe sensitive?
Standardbred: Just give me the dumb light


At an auction a man walks by a table and an Italian man selling many things plus a beautiful horse.
The buyer asks, "Hey do you want to sell me your horse?"
The Italian says, "I woulda sella youa it but ita noa looka so good.
The other answers, "Sure, he looks fine to me. How much do you want for it?"
I tella youa hea noa looka so good.
I'll give you $500. I canna not sella it toa youa. Hea noa looka so good. The man raises his offer to $1,000.
Finally the Italian says, "O.K." The buyer gets on the horse gallops off and the horse hits a tree. The buyer angrily tells the other, "You S.O.B. you sold me a blind horse.
The Italian answers, "I tella youa hea noa looka so good!!!


One day in heaven, Saint Peter, Saint Paul and Saint John were standing around near the horse paddocks watching the horses frolic.
I am certainly bored," stated John.
Me too," Paul chimed in. Peter stood and watched the horses. "I know!" Peter began.
Why don't we have a horse show?" Paul and John thought that the idea was great except for one small detail that Paul pointed out. "Who are we to compete against, Peter?" Paul asked. The trio pondered a moment when Peter realized the answer.
"We will call up Satan and invite him to the horse show. I mean, we have all of the finest horses here in heaven, all of the World and National Champions are here. His stable is ridden with the spoiled, difficult and mean horses.
We are certain to win at the show!" And so the trio calls up Satan on the other realm communication lines and invited him to their horse show. Satan laughed and asked why they would want to be humiliated like that, because he would certainly beat them.
Peter, Paul and John did not understand. "What do you mean Satan?"
Peter asked. "We have all of the National and World Champion horses in our stable in heaven. How could you possibly beat us?"
Satan paused a moment and then laughed. "Have you forgotten so soon gentlemen? I have all the judges!"


Why couldn't the pony talk? Because he was a little hoarse.


How to make a small fortune in the horse industry ... start with a large fortune.


Jenny wasn't very smart, but she watched westerns all the time and she was sure that if she got the chance, she would be able to ride any horse!
One day as she was walking along, she saw a horse, already saddled and bridled. She looked around to make sure no one saw her, then though 'If I just take a short ride, then bring the horse back, the owner won't notice'.
So she climbed up on its back, and started her ride. At first things went well, then suddenly the horse bolted forward at a full gallop! She dropped the reins and held on to the horn for dear life! Then, as the horse continued to gallop madly, her right foot started to slip from the stirrup. She tried to keep from slipping, but the saddle was slick and the horse was jolting her around. She slipped farther, and farther, until her arm could no longer hold on. As her arm gave out, she slipped to the ground, and hit it with a thud. But, to her horror, she saw that her foot had gotten caught in the stirrup!
She started screaming for help, hoping that someone would notice her being dragged by the runaway horse. Just as she was about to faint, she saw someone running toward her. He bent over and pulled the cord, and the mechanical Wal-Mart horse stopped moving.


An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny. The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper. Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny didn't move. Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't move. Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull." Benny pulled the car out of the ditch.
The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."


A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
The buddy says,"how will I recognize him?"
"That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment"
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth. can I see her mouf"? The rancher is gettin pretty pissed off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?
Totally pissed at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arm and jams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's you-know-what, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit"?

 

 

 

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