UNICORNER FARM

Miniature Horses and Tunis Sheep

Fun with Minis

HORSEY LISTS

Cute, "horsey" stuff rounded up on the Internet.


All I need to know in life I learned from my horse

  • When in doubt, run far, far away.
  • You can never have too many treats.
  • Passing gas in public is nothing to be ashamed of.
  • New shoes are an absolute necessity every 6 weeks.
  • Ignore cues. They're just a prompt to do more work.
  • Everyone loves a good, wet, slobbery kiss.
  • Never run when you can jog. Never jog when you can walk. And never walk when you can stand still.
  • Heaven is eating at least 10 hours a day... and then sleeping the rest.
  • Eat plenty of roughage.
  • Great legs and a nice rear will get you anywhere. Big, brown eyes help too.
  • When you want your way, stomp hard on the nearest foot.
  • In times of crisis, take a poop.
  • Act dumb when faced with a task you don't want to do.
  • Follow the herd. That way, you can't be singled out to take the blame.
  • A swift kick in the butt will get anyone's attention.
  • Love those who love you back, especially if they have something good to eat.

Good Advice from Cowboys

  • If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
  • If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
  • A good horse never comes in a bad color.
  • After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
  • Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.
  • There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
  • Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew.
  • Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
  • If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
  • Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.
  • It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
  • Always drink upstream from the herd.
  • When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
  • When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
  • Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but you might need to know what it was.
  • The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
  • Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Country Wisdom

  • Don't name a pig you plan to eat.
  • Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.
  • Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.
  • Keep skunks and lawyers at a distance.
  • Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.
  • A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.
  • Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked.
  • Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.
  • Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
  • To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses.
  • Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it just ain't helpful.
  • Teachers, Moms, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.
  • Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.
  • Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.
  • Two can live as cheap as one if one don't eat.
  • Don't corner something meaner than you.
  • You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar--assuming you want to catch flies.
  • Man is the only critter who feels the need to label things as flowers or weeds.
  • It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
  • Don't go huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.
  • You can't unsay a cruel thing.
  • Every path has some puddles.
  • Don't wrestle with pigs: You'll get all muddy and the pigs will love it.
  • The best sermons are lived, not preached.
  • Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.
  • The Ten Commandments display was removed from the Alabama Supreme Court building. There was a good reason for the move. You can't post Thou Shalt Not Steal, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery and Thou Shall Not Lie in a building full of lawyers and Politicians without creating a hostile work environment.

You know you're a horse person when:

  • You realize finding a horseshoe truly is lucky because you've saved ten bucks.

  • Every time you drive past a construction site, you think what nice jumps the barricades would make.

  • You consider a golf course as a waste of good pastureland.

  • You pull a $17,000 horse trailer with a $1,700 pickup truck.

  • When your six year old tells everyone that he's going to be the "ring steward" at your aunt's wedding!

  • You're seriously considering an even trade of your 1998 Buick for a 1986 Diesel crewcab dually pickup truck.

  • Your friends no longer ask to get together with you on a weekend afternoon because they know you'll say -- "I can't, I have a show/penning/rodeo/trail ride."

  • You dress like a lawyer on weekdays, and someone who needs a lawyer on your days off.

  • You'll drive an hour in a snowstorm to ride your horse, but God forbid you have to drive 5 minutes to the store to buy groceries.

  • You plan your pregnancy around the show season so you can send your horse to the trainer during the eighth and ninth months.

  • You buy duct tape by the case, and carry a roll in your pocketbook, your briefcase, and the console of your car.

  • Your boyfriend complains that you love your horse more than him and you say, "And your point is?"

  • Your someone does something nice for you and you say, "good boy", and pat him on the neck.

  • You're trying to get by someone in a restricted space, and instead of saying, "excuse me", you poke them in the ribs and say, "get over".

  • Your horse gets new shoes more often than you.

  • You get to the point where flies don't bug you anymore.

  • Your Mother, who has no grandchildren, gets cards addressed to Grandma, signed by the horses and the dog.

  • You see the vet more than your child's pediatrician.

  • You clean tack after every ride, but never ever wash your car.

  • On rainy days, you organize the tack room, and not the house.

  • You stop channel surfing at the Budweiser Clydesdale commercials.

  • You have more pictures of your horse in your locker/office that you have of your family.

  • When going up a hill, you cluck to your car.

  • You pay more for a saddle than you did for your car!

  • Your horses' mane and tail look better than your hair does.

  • Your tack box isn't in your car, it IS your car.

  • Your evening attire is yesterday's jeans, an old T-shirt and mucking boots.

  • A fly lands on your leg you stomp your foot instead of swatting it.

  • You say you are going to muck out your room.

  • You call your shed a barn.

  • You find hay in your bathtub, horse treats scattered around the house, horsehair on your work clothes, and hoof shaped bruises on your feet!

  • You are sick you say you're going to see the vet.

  • You are exited when your friend tells you that there is a huge sale at the bridle shop, then you are disappointed when you realize they mean the bridal shop.

  • You have the vet's number but not the kid's pediatrician on your speed dial.

  • Your house is a mess, but the barn is as neat as a pin.

  • Your nice clothes are the ones without horsehair all over them. 


Thinking of dating a horsewoman? Please read the following carefully:

Easy to Locate.
- She's either off on the horse or out in the barn.
Upholds the double standard
- Smooches with the most bewhiskered beast, but recoils when a man needs a shave.
Owns one vacuum cleaner
- and operates it exclusively in the barn.
A social butterfly
- providing the party is given by another horsey woman. Falls asleep in her soup at all other functions.
Economy minded
- Won't waste money on permanents, facials, or manicures.
A culinary perfectionist
- Checks every section of hay for mold but doesn't blink when she petrifies dinner in the microwave.
Occasionally amorous
- but never leaves lipstick on your collar, at worst, slight trace of Chapstick.
Easy to outfit
- No need for embarrassing visits to uncomfortable little boutiques. She can find all she wears at the local tackstore.
Features a selective sense of smell
- Bitterly complains about the sticky-sweet cigar smoke of others while remaining totally oblivious to the almost visible aroma of her barn boots drying next to the heater.
Unmistakable in a bathing suit
- She's the one whose tan starts at the nose, ends at the neck, and picks up again at the wrists.
A dedicated club woman
- as long as the words "horse" or "riding" appear in its name.
Has your leisure at heart
- Eliminates grass cutting by turning every square inch of lawn into pasture which, in turn, converts itself into mud.
A master at multiplication
- She starts with one horse, adds a companion, and if it's a mare, she breeds it.
Keeps an eagle eye on the budget
- Easily justifies spending six hundred dollars, but croaks when you blow ten on bowling.
An Engaging conversationalist
- Can rattle on endlessly about training or breeding.
Socially aware
- Knows that formal occasions call for clean boots.
A moving force in the family
- House by house, she'll get you to move closer to horse country (and farther away from your job.)
Easy to please
- A new wheelbarrow, custom boots, or even a folding hoof pick will win her heart forever.
Sentimental fool
- Displays a minimum of six 8x10 color photos of the horse in the house and carries a crumpled snapshot of you (taken before you were married) somewhere in the bottom of her purse.
Shows her affection in unusual ways
- If she pats you on the neck and says: "you're a good boy," believe it or not, she loves you.


Things we WISH our horses would agree to:

I CAN walk and poop at the same time. I can, I can, I can
I will NOT stop and poop or urinate every time I pass the same spot in the arena.
I will NOT leave when my rider falls off.
My stall is NOT my litter box. When I have free access to my paddock, I will NOT go back inside to pee.
I will NOT roll in streams or try to roll when my human is on my back.
I will NOT leap over large nonexistent obstacles when the whim strikes.
I will NOT walk faster on the way home than I did on the way out.
I promise NOT to swish my tail while my human is cleaning my back feet.
I promise also NOT to choose that particular time to answer nature's call.
I will NOT bite my farrier's butt just because it's there.
I will NOT confuse my human's blond hair for really soft hay.
I will NOT wipe green slime down the back of my human's white shirt.
I will NOT blow my nose on my human.
I will NOT try to mooch goodies off every human within 1 mile radius.
I will NOT lay totally flat out in my stall with my eyes glazed over and my legs straight out and pretend I can't hear my human frantically screaming "Are you asleep?"
I will NOT chase the ponies into the electric fence to see if it is on.
I will promise NEVER to dump the wheelbarrow of manure over while my human is mucking my stall.
I will NOT grab my lead rope in my mouth and attempt to lead myself.
I will NOT have an attitude problem. I won't, I won't, I won't!
I will NOT pull my new shoes off the very next day just to prove that I can.
I am neither a beaver nor a carpenter. I promise I won't eat or remodel the barn or the new fences.
I am NOT a Shin'a'in Battlesteed. I will not act like one.
I WILL forgive my human for the very bad haircut, even though I Iook like a freak.
I accept that not every carrot is for me.
I will NOT do the Arab Teleport Trick when a bad/naughty/awful Horsasaurus Monster breathes at me.
I will NOT jump in the air, turn 180 degrees every time I see a deer.
I will understand that deer are NOT carnivorous.
I will NOT shy at familiar objects just for fun.
I will NOT bite the butt of the horse in front of me during the trail ride just to say "Hi".
I WILL put my ears forward and cooperate when it comes to photos.



14 WAYS TO SNEAK ANOTHER HORSE HOME

14. Move the fish to the cellar, the goats to the kitchen, the uncle to the sofa and the dogs to the barn. Rotate weekly. Add a horse to the mix on the fifth week. Stop the rotation when the horse gets to the barn. Confused but grateful spouse won't question further.

13. Tell your spouse that "Ed" is here to repair the cable.

12. "This? This isn't a horse. This is a Common Black-Throated Northern Debt-Precursor."

11. Organize a clandestine Equine Underground Pipeline. Connect to breeders and trainers across several states.

10. Throw a hundred-dollar bill behind the couch. Yell, "Fetch!" While the family members are fighting it out, you can sneak anything (up to and including a troop of Marines) up the drive, past the house and into the paddock.

9. Blame El Nino: The new horse washed in at high tide.

8. Wait for Halloween. Dress the new horse in a bad horse costume and march him right into the barn.

7. Swear it's your best friend's new horse, come to live here only until she breaks the news to her husband. Meanwhile, Sue can be pulling the same trick in your name at her house.

6. Start housing the kids out in the barn to explain your long absences from the house and your frequent comings and goings.

5. Have UPS deliver the new horse in several separate boxes over a period of several days.

4. Big collar. Dog tags. Poodle trim. Insist on calling the new mare AKC Fantasyland's FiFi Splendiphoria.

3. Sneak horse in at midnight. Return to house wearing only a trench coat and negligee. Confess untruthfully to a lesser offense: having a torrid affair with the hay man.

2. Don't buy another horse. Join the German Exchange Program; you feed, house and culturally broaden the horizons of young German-born Hanoverian for two years. (You have to mail the neighbor's elderly pony Stuey off to Hannover for the 'exchange' part)

And the best way to sneak another horse into the home is:

1. "This horse isn't ours, dear. He says he's on a scavenger hunt and has to find two suckers with a checkbook."


Top Ten Spook List

written by A. Horse
 
10. BLOWING PAPER. "At any moment it could whip up into our faces, covering our noses. We could suffocate. And don't try to tell us you'd do CPR."
9. BARKING DOGS: " What? You've never read Steven King's CUJO?"
8. PUDDLES OF WATER. "Quicksand."
7. TRASH CANS. " They've been known to swallow horses and transport them into another dimension."
6. BABIES AND LIL KIDS." Long lost tribe of horse-eating pygmies."
5. PLAID HORSE BLANKETS. "Hey, when was the last time you wore plaid? It adds 100 lbs."
4. ROPES AND HOSES ON THE GROUND. " Dreaded North American trail snakes."
3. PONIES. "Cute, cleaver, hardy. They want to take over the World."
2. WINDY DAYS. "Two words: impending tornado."
AND THE NUMBER ONE SCARY THING IN THE MINDS OF HORSES?
1. CARTS AND WAGONS. "Look. You put a human on our backs, we can always buck them off. But hitching a horse to a wheeled object? It's just not right. No matter how fast the horse trots, the dang cart is still running after him. OH, THE HORROR!!!


Murphy's Horse Laws

  • There is no such thing as a sterile barn cat.
  • No one ever notices how you ride until you fall off.
  • The least useful horse in your barn will eat the most, require shoes every four weeks and need the vet at least once month.
  • A horse's misbehavior will be in direct proportion to the number of people who are watching.
  • Your favorite tack always gets chewed on, and your new blanket gets torn.
  • Tack you hate will never wear out and blankets you hate cannot be destroyed.
  • Horses you hate cannot be sold and will outlive you.
  • Clipper blades will become dull when your horse is half clipped.
  • If you approach within 50 feet of your barn in clean clothes, you will get dirty.
  • The number of horses you own will increase to the number of stalls in your barn.
  • Your barn will fall down without baling twine.
  • Hoof picks always run a way from home.
  • If you fall off, you will land on the site of your most recent injury.
  • If you are winning, then quit, because there is only one way to go. Down!


Horse Reality Shows We Would Like to See

1. JOANNE MILLIONAIRE: Rich young women are first introduced to the exciting world of horses. They become completely hooked on the finest purebreds, the best trainers, fabulous stabling and expert instruction. In the last episode...they discover they're penniless.

2. SURVIVOR-THE ENDURANCE RIDE: 10 elite show riders leave their oak tack trunks, their minimum wage grooms, their canopies and gooseneck living quarters behind to spend 2 days in Death Valley. They have to perform heinous acts such as cleaning their own tack, grooming and caring for their own horse, and getting along with other riders. As we sit back and watch riders succumb to torture, the strongest break away from camp to search for cell phone, golf cart and roach coach.

3. AMERICAN SHOW IDOL: Thousands of equestrians must audition in front of exacting judges who pick apart their ride using colorful evaluations such as "try another sport" and "clucking to your horse makes you sound like a chicken". George Morris guest stars.

4. I'M A DRESSAGE QUEEN, GET ME OUT OF HERE: A Prix St Georges rider and her Hanoverian stallion are shipped to a working cattle ranch. In Episode 3 she ruins her full seat Eurostar breeches while closing the cattle gate. Unable to ride until her new attire is shipped, the local wrangler round pens her horse and starts roping off his back.

5. MATCHED BY AMERICA: Contestants who are tired of looking for Mr or Ms Equine Perfection allow the studio audience to vote on which horse is truly the best partner for them. Tossing breed and color preferences to the wind, contestants discover that 1) a good horse can be any size, age, color 2) when you find the right match, there can be happy endings.

 


Countdown to the Best Error in a Horse Ad:

21. Appleloosa for sale.
20. Willingly piaffes & massages.
19. Bay 3-yr-old, lightly started, lounges well.
18. Cooked semen available.
17. Welsh filly, pretty head & eye. Just stared over fences.
16. 3-yr-old TB mare, recently startled under saddle.
15. Aged race gelding, has four clean kegs. (yippee! party animal!)
14. Rider must sell: horse going to college.
13. Gray pony, very athletic, broke to dive.
12. Small horse farm for sale, 33 acres, large fenced pastures plus three small haddocks.
11. Attractive gelding for Combined Training, ready to brake in the spring.
10. Aged Warmblood mare, no lices. Reasonably priced to good home.
9. Registered Hockey Club mare.
8. Super mover-gloats over the ground!
7. Always in the ribbons over fences & thunder saddle.
6. Select young stock for sale, top scores at insurrection.
5. 1899 filly offered for sale.
4. Oldenburg colt, will manure to 17 hands.
3. Young Hanoverian, started u/s, bumping over small courses.
2. Many sport horses for sale, all apes and sizes.
#1 The Best Error in a Horse Ad: LFG-Live Floral Guarantee


Things not to say to a hot, tired farrier:

  • If you will just give each of the dogs a piece of hoof they will get out from under the horse and quit fighting.
  • As much as you charge, I should get to use that truck too.
  • If you get that done in 30 minutes, you’ll be making $160. per hour.
  • That’s not the way they did it on that horseshoeing show.
  • I see who makes all the money in horses - farriers!
  • My last farrier couldn’t finish - they gave me your name and number.
  • You don’t mind if I feed the other horses, do you?
  • Are you sure you have them on the correct foot?
  • If he didn’t kick like that, I’d trim him myself.
  • Would you mind trimming my new BLM mustang?
  • Can we shoe him in the arena? If he rears in the barn, he hits his head.
  • You sure earned your money on that one!
  • I forgot you were coming; I just turned all the horses out.
  • Can you make it after six, or on Sunday, I have to work.
  • I just cannot believe that he bit you.
  • I read all about the “ Natural Way ” to trim on the internet, and you’re supposed to...
  • Did that hurt?
  • I know that he is difficult to shoe, but he is so good on the trails.
  • It doesn’t look like he’s leaning from here.
  • Good morning - glad you’re here - can we reschedule? I have a lot going on today.
  • It’s so cool that he can “balance” on just two feet.
  • Can you shoe him so that he doesn’t paw?
  • Don’t tell my husband that I used the grocery money.
  • Most times when he kicks, he misses!
  • Just do the hinds - I’ll do the fronts.
  • I left the checkbook in the car, and my wife/husband just left - can you bill me?
  • I’m sure glad you don’t mind working on muddy feet.
  • Does it mean my horses have some sort of deficiency when they chew the paint off your truck like that?
  • This horse does forge, also interferes, and sometimes hits his knees.... we need to keep the price down on this bill.
  • I got a bargain on these shoes at a rummage sale, could you use them instead and save me some money?
  • Oops! Wrong horse.
  • I know I said just a trim, but can we shoe ‘em as well?
  • My weanling colt needs a trim, and I figured you could halter break him at the same time.
  • I’ve got a new horse whose feet are in pretty bad shape.
  • The previous owners said their farrier wouldn’t work on him.
  • I know it’s been a long day for you; that’s why I saved the worst one for last.
  • If my other farrier’s ribs weren’t broken, he’d be able to get shoes on this horse.
  • It’s a good thing you’re slow today, or he’d have had shoes on when he kicked your truck.
  • My grandpa used to shoe horses like you, only he used a sledge and a corn knife.
  • I don’t understand why the shoes didn’t stay on. I just had them done 12 weeks ago 

YOU KNOW YOU ARE AT A HORSE SHOW WHEN:

  • You have two small bags packed and your horse has a trunk of clothes and half a pickup load of equipment.
  • You run a comb through your hair once in a weekend and call it good and then spend 2 hours a day banding your horse's mane and combing out his tail.
  • Your horse smells better than you.
  • Your horse dresses better than you.
  • Your horse eats better than you.
  • Your horse gets more sleep than you.
  • People know your horse's name, his parents' names, his show record, etc, but all they know about you is "Aren't you the person who owns (insert your horse's name)?".
  • You spend hundreds of dollars on shavings, stall rent, entry fees, etc. and then can't decide whether you should buy a large or small lemonade for yourself.
  • You have a pocket calculator in your back pocket to figure points.
  • You can sprain your ankle, break 3 fingernails, get a mild concussion, sprain your back, have someone back into your truck, get food poisoning, heatstroke, sunburn, lose your dog, lose your kid, and still call it a successful weekend because your horse won his class.
     
    ARE WE ALL NUTS OR WHAT?????

 

 

 

 

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